We rocked up at the same
time as some kids with a 'Call Of Duty' bumper sticker on their car and Tshirts
to match. Did they think this was some kind of computer game where no one can
get hurt? I had visions of having to duck for cover and then lay down the law
myself but for now at least, everything seemed fine.
At the counter was a vast array of guns... Just Vast. After some indecision, (I was initially tempted by the Colt and then the Smith & Wesson) I eventually settled for the one which seemed to fit my hand the best - a Beretta 9mm. But, before I could even lock and load the thing, I had to be vetted as responsible enough to wield a deadly weapon. I remembered from the only other experience I had of doing this, how strict they were in Vegas, and how you were barely given time to think, let alone load and fire! I braced for the onslaught.
"Name...
Address...Do you promise promise promise you're mentally stable and won't go 'Columbine' on us?
Great. Lane five is free. What target d'you want?"
'The Barrel' & 'Left Eye Louis' last seen 1998.
'The Red Light Girls' & 'Bullseye' last seen 2001.
Holding my trusty Beretta
instantly took me back to my days as a dirty cop working the beat. I cast my
tired eyes over the potential 'targets,' saddened at how many of these no-good
paper perps I'd put away in my time. Always the same old faces. Nothing changes
in this town. Such a waste. And then I saw it. An infamous mugshot up on the wall. But
it couldn't be!!!....
"The PaperMan"
and I had history. He was wanted for a litany of two-dimensional crimes all
over town. Always armed and incredibly dangerous. My orders were to "shoot
on site" and I wasn't gonna take any chances (he had gotten away from me
once in 2004 when a skirmish in Vegas went South. I wasn't about to make the
same mistake twice.) I turned that sucker into a Swiss cheese. Or so I'd
thought. But here he was! I guess nothing stays dead in this town. My slacks
were dirty and I had three-day whiskey breath but looking at the hit-list on
the wall, I had work to do... I tracked him to a smokey
dive bar in China town. He wasn't talking so now I'd strung him up. He wasn't
going anywhere. it was time to administer some rough justice and I was gonna enjoy this.
And it's incredible - the
rush of power, the triumph over your paper nemesis, the self-belief that you
ARE John McClane. And suddenly, the absolute certainty that you can only afford
one weapon is long forgotten. No self-respecting vigilante would confine
himself to one firearm! The Matrix wasn't over-thrown with a single beretta. No
sir. Anyway we must have made our way back to the front desk as I now found
myself at the counter demanding:
"What's the biggest
thing you've got?"
The owner gave us a wry
smile and recommended the "DRAGUNOV 7.62" - a semi-automatic sniper
rifle: Presumably derived from the Russian - Драгунова: "to blow the head
clean off something." As I followed the man's gaze, the ceiling parted,
bathing the instrument of death in a heavenly glow that drew me like a moth to
a flame. Anyway I must have agreed to pay for it as it was now in the crook of
my shoulder, aimed at my arch-nemesis (why won't he die!).
(The Remains of "The Paper Man")
The sheer power you wield at that moment is awesome, in the true sense. If the grim reaper were to cast away his scythe, we would surely meet our maker with the earth-cracking boom of a Dragunov, ringing in the place our ears used to be. The 'Call of Duty' boys heralded us as Gods among men, suddenly shamed by their own selections. And you can understand why - The recoil is staggering, the noise it kicks off is incredible - to the point where people were coming over from other lanes to see what it was we were firing - and the flash from the muzzle is enough to make a lesser man blink. The spent cartridges are ejected so quickly that the ricochet off the side wall caught me on the side of the head (you can see it in the video if you're looking) and hit me hard enough to leave a war wound. So I guess playing with guns CAN be dangerous!!
(War Wound - Lawsuit Pending)
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