Surfing USA

Hi guys,

I have to tell you about my attempt to surf today and what  I've been up to since my last mail. I can't remember where I left off last time but I've since met up with an Agent at a pretty large agency, and he's put me up for a casting and depending on how well I do at that and the feedback he gets I may be lucky enough to sneak representation. I would be very lucky! I had another casting for a pilot called "are you there vodka, it's chelsea" based on the life of a famous Chelsea who's always in the media - Michelle knows all about her (I dunno who she is) anyway the casting went well and the guy said my accent was good - I went back into English right after we did the scenes - but who knows what they're looking for (probably a long list of credits). The cool part was that I got to go to Warner Brother's Studios for the meet and I took a rather circuitous route back to my car to spy a few sets along the way and get a photo or two of the iconic water tower. All the carparking spots were reserved for 2 and a half men and more household names than you could imagine. it was a great experience and I'm glad I indulged after i'd down what I'd come for rather than before.

Today as it's the weekend I sacked off the gym in pursuit of my passion project for LA - surfing. So I got up at the crack of dawn...ok 10.00... and made some calls to some surf shacks i'd been recommended by, a surfer I started chatting to a while back, and a fat guy who was eavesdropping and wanted to throw his 10 cents in. Anyway when it came to hunting down a better bargain the fat guy had it! so i have purchased a wetsuit and i rented a board as i'm not sure I could slap a stamp on one of those and expect it to make it back to sunny blighty. I asked where was good and I decided to go to a fairly 'tame' beach as I am relatively new to this, having only done it once in Australia and once on the South Coast of England on rugby tour, where Johny Fraser bashed into me and made me bite through my lip. leaving the lower left side of my bottom lip hideously disfigured ever-since. Impossible I hear you cry, but true and a burden I shall bear until I meet my (probably watery) grave.

I suited up (still looking like an absolute pro at this point I might ad) drawing the looks from all around - I'm sure - although naturally too blasé to pay any attention, and took to the water...... and it went down-hill, both literally and figuratively, from here. Not long after I'd been paddling I was shouted the helpful advice 0f 'scoot forward on your board more' as, it's true, my efforts where encouraging the board to swim directly up into the air with little or no forward movement. 'Of course' I quipped back (as if to imply that I've never previously done it like that in all my years of experience and was merely trying something new this one time). I soon made head-way proceeded further out of my depth.

I first saw the 'wave' probably about 50 feet away from me- not much to look at - not really doing much in particular, just ambling towards me - minding its own business if you will. I remember thinking, perhaps this beach might prove worthwhile after all. I might see some actual surf here. Whooping and hollering can now be heard from those enjoying a paddle or a surf over to my right - someone is obviously making the most of this crest which, I note, is growing a little. By this time I have made signifcant distance from the beach and make a mental note to congratulate myself at the first opportunity for carring out everything so far with such aplomb. It was about this point that the idea of getting myself the other side of this wave entered my mind and I've got to tell you, I drew a complete blank because (and you'll have to take my word for this) there comes a time when all waves break; and just after the up-and-downy motion you experience further out, and just before the wishy-washy-white fun bit near the beach there is an implausibly hard, brick wall like object mocking and obliterating everything in its path... and you've guessed it. this is exactly where I found myself. Now anyone who's done this before will know that I had two options.... option a) about face, paddle and ride the wave to both safety, and the adoring, rapturous applause of the already impressed on-lookers, or b) abandon the board temporarily and dive, as it were through the wave to continue my journey to where legend and fable blur seamlessly into almost certain fame. Almost none of my intrepid readers would have considered option c) - an option so truly brilliant in its conception it shall surely be patented and marketed the world over. Option c) (when carried out correctly) sees the surfer attempt to paddle up the wall, presenting the flat of the board to the water, like a roman's shield to an advancing army....I should probably point out that I was not accompanied by a battalion of like-minded individuals ready to teach mother nature a lesson, and so....Things started to happen very slowly at this point. My board finds the beginning of the wave and rides directly up in the air. There is a feeling of weightless-ness that allows just long enough to pull a funny face (but nothing more). A slapping sound as the water hits the base of the board. A thud as the projectile comes toward you at speed. A forlorn attempt to tighten one's grip on wet fibre-glass. A swift change of direction as nature shows that you've been travelling completely the wrong way. a tumbling sensation as you are plunged under. An eternity wondering why the instinct to gasp has completely passed you by. A realisation that you are (in spite of the afore mentioned) blowing out through you're nose to stop water entering. A loss of even the concept of 'Up' and a stinging pain between the toes as the board leash tries to cheese-wire it's way length-ways through your foot. Flailing limbs, followed by (after what seems like an eternity) AIR! ...... Welcome to surfing.

I found myself right back where I'd started and was faced with another three waves, not unlike the last where I continued to employ (the now tried and tested) option c) to the same effect. It was only after 10 mins of gasping and paddling that I made it out past the break point to where the other surfers had only just stopped laughing. Next you have to sit on the board sideways to the waves all nonchalent-like, passing up wave after wave because (I imagine) they don't 'feel' right or 'are too wet' or something. Simple I hear you say but no no no, I was flailing around, like a fish out of water - and no, the irony wasn't lost on me. I was managing to just about stay on the board. Sure I had drifted a little further out than my new-found compadre, but I was doing it!!! I could pass myself off as regular at last. I was ready to paddle, waiting for the perfect wave....

And then I saw it!
20 ft away!
A fin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't mind telling you, dear reader, I absolutely shat my pants! I froze (for perhaps a week and a half) and turned to survey how far I was from the beach. A long way.
I would have gladly taken another 8 ft wave to the face and floundered my way to shore if I'd had a say in things. I lock eyes with another surfer, who says in rather a high pitched voice 'That's a dolphin right!?' to which I reply 'I fucking hope so' (sorry Diana please forgive me) and then proceed to paddle the most ginger doggy paddle you've ever seen toward the shore, because if any one of us looks most like a seal, splashing and larking about, it's me and I'm the furthest out of all of them. What's the old saying? 'you don't have to be faster than the dog that's chasing - just faster than your mates' I look back out to sea knowing that things couldn't get worse than they are now. And I remember now that I wasn't even suprised. I remember thinking 'a shark...well that is just TYPICAL.' Incidentally I was completely wrong by the way because what could be worse than a fin now 18 ft away me? That's right - TWO fins!

Thank God they were dolphins. Thank God.
I asked the rather chubby American (who to my mind would have made a much better meal anyway) how he knew we were safe and apparently "dolphins go sort of more up and downy" "while sharks tend to be more circle-y circle-y."

After the panic subsided it was one of those great moments you don't forget in a hurry and I spent probably another 2 hours out on the water, and it was sheer stubborn-ness that kept me there, and I'm sad to say that I am literally no better at surfing. However I'm almost certain that I can hold my breath longer than before - and this is the main positive I shall be taking in with me tomorrow, when I shall almost certainly surpass all expectations  .... and possibly see another gaggle of sharks. I can't wait...

Will mild-mannered Tristam tame the ocean waves and fulfill his destiny to become 'the wave whisperer'?
Will he wrestle hand-to-fin, ('mano-a-sharko') with another great White?
Will he EVER get the salt and throbbing sensation out of his sinuses?

Tune in next week for part 3 of our "Intrepid Traveller Tristam's Tiresome Trials & Tribulations: A Cautionary Tale" available in Hardback this February, perfect for Birthdays, Anniversaries or an early stocking-filler!
T